At some point, you just need to choose to be happy.
That’s what people in your life say when you’re depressed again and they’re tired of it. Even your therapist will say it and when she does you’ll want to kick her the balls she doesn’t have because you’ve been paying her $400 a month. She says it because she’s just as frustrated as you are. None of the usual tricks are sticking. Not the yoga, meditation, or medication. She feels she’s failed and is projecting even though she’s not supposed to. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. In the end, she quits showing up to sessions, not you. She’s the best therapist you’ve ever had so you don’t hold it against her.
So what now? Run more? Write more? Mediate more? More. More. More. But you’re exhausted and there isn’t another more left in you.
That’s where I found myself a couple months ago, in a state of no more. Gripped by a fatigue that didn’t make sense, but that’s how it always starts. The tired comes before the unshakable gloom, regardless of my protests and precautions. Regardless of how many YOU ARE NOT ALLOWEDs I scream at myself. The gloom advances. Life gets heavier, my mind foggier. Opportunities slip by and time is lost forever all because I was tired.
This time doing more of the same wasn’t an option, so I did different. I went to a homeopathic MD. We went over my medical history, previous diagnoses, and everything I was doing that wasn’t really working. Mostly I talked about the tired. After looking at my blood work, her suspicions were confirmed. I was deficient on vitamins D & B12 and my thyroid was “sluggish.”
“No wonder your tired. You need to take vitamins.”
“But I already take vitamins,” I half whine.
“You need to take more. Therapeutic doses.”
“You’re lucky I’m desperate lady,” is what I want to say instead of just “Ok,” as she hands me a list of vitamins to pick up and details on dosage. Instead of prescribing thyroid hormone, she hands me a prescriptions for iodine. Weak sauce. I was hoping for drugs. Something with a punch. But no, I get vitamins and iodine.
I sulked. More of the same. Again. Square one. Again. Hopelessness. Again. There’s no way in hell this will work. Again.
Despite my pessimism, I faithfully choked down 10+ horse pills with rusty iodine water every morning. I’m glad I did too. By the end of week one, the fatigue lifted and the gloom was gone. More than 2 months later, treatment is still sticking. This treatment worked better and faster than any other method I’ve tried, but it hasn’t been without trial. After two amazing weeks on treatment, I got sick. Really sick. Fever, fatigue, stomach cramps, water retention, and a sudden wheat allergy put me to bed for a day thinking Well, it was great while it lasted, sure it was the end of my brief stint with normalcy. But it turns out it was just a glitch my doctor likes to refer to as a “healing crisis.” This occurs when your body detoxes too quickly and you kinda poison yourself with all the crap you’ve built up over the years, in my case it was a lot of bromide (Thank you Mountain Dew for that). So after a slight dose recalibration the pep is back in my step. I read faster, focus longer, and have the urge to bust out a cartwheel in the most appropriately inappropriate locations, like the ladies room at work (I wash my hands afterward, promise).
I feel like I’ve been given new life and all the energy I need to live it. Now back to writing and revising OH MY!
