Death Spiral of Doom: The Results

Posted on by Zezelia
Reply

I did it.

I completed everything on my Should List in a 24 hour period.  I even managed a trip to the pharmacy and bathroom breaks.  I even allowed myself time for breathing and blinking!

So…

Did completing my Should List make me feel fulfilled and functional?  Happy and relaxed?  Is it maintainable?

No. No. And NO.

Did I over estimate time allotments per task?  Yes.  Many of them.

Am I expecting too much of myself?  YES.

At the end of my experiment, I felt a faint sense of accomplishment for having completed my goal, but mostly I felt should on.

My entire day was eaten up by tedious tasks.  Tedious tasks I didn’t enjoy.  Tedious tasks that had little to no impact on my well-being.  Seriously.  In fifty years, is it going to matter that I shaved my armpits everyday?  That there was never a pile of dirty clothes in my bathroom?  That I always went to bed on time?

I can see it now…

Gee Grandma,  I’m so glad you never went a day with hairy legs!

What a travesty that would’ve been.  The course of history forever changed by my body hair.

I AM THAT SPECIAL.

But is it going to matter that I took care of my body by eating well and exercising?  That I got my writing done?  That I spent my days enjoying my time?

YES. YES. YES.

I know this.  I knew it before I started this experiment.  And yet, I left all the important tasks for last.  When I was drained.  I rushed through walks with my dog, half-assed my workout routine, and barely got any solid writing done.

But hey!  My house was tidy!  I got those dishes done!

My mind divided screams You’ll never be happy unless you do less!  No!  You’ll never be happy unless you do more! While I scream Why can’t I ever win?!?!

So I’m working on a happy medium.  Something more flexible.  Something less all or nothing.  I started by putting important things first.  My day begins early (not quite as early as 6am) with pooch time, a healthy breakfast, and writing.  Writing takes up the bulk of my mornings.  It has for awhile, but it’s different now.  Now I won’t let myself feel guilty about all the other more important things I should be doing instead, like ironing my underwear.  Everyone knows you can’t ever be happy unless you iron your underwear. Pfff! Duh…

I deemed writing most important and so it became.  This slight shift in thinking dramatically boosted my well-being.  I let myself win!  I know it sounds silly, but I lived most of my life carrying guilt for all the things I should’ve been doing instead of whatever I happened to be doing moment to moment.  When I accomplished a goal, it didn’t matter.  My inner-critic started tapping her foot and shaking her head. 

No, no.  You should’ve done this instead. And this and this and this all at the same time if you were so great.

Or…

Do you know how many single moms are out there right now working jobs they hate just to put food on the table while you sit here sipping coffee and scribbling?  GET A REAL JOB!!!

It was a state of perpetual loss.  No possiblity of winning, not ever.  Not even a pat on the back.

I still battle this mentality.  Especially when New Year’s rolls around, but I get quicker and quicker about calling bullshit on my inner critic and sloughing off the resentment of others.

Because if there’s on thing I learned much too late in life, it’s that you don’t win any points for guilt and misery and it doesn’t convince anyone that you deserve the opportunities you have.

 

 

The Year of the Dragon

Posted on by Zezelia
2

According to Chinese tradition, the year of the Dragon will be marked by excitement, unpredictability, exhilaration and intensity.

In the spirit of the Dragon, Joe and I resolved to travel more.  This year we’ll take last minute weekend trips.  We’ll fly somewhere every 3 months.  We’ll make it a priority to just get the hell out of town.  Just do it! No matter what! is our motto this year.

So after 9 years, Joe and I just did it.  We planned our first trip as a couple.  Destination: San Francisco, CA!  Plan tickets were purchased, reservations were made, spirits flew high… and then all hell broke loose.

In the days leading up to our departure, we realized Joe’s dad was getting married that same weekend and we were supposed to be there, our dog attempted suicide via raisins ($$$), Joe got buried in work, I caught a cold, my Xanax prescription (that I got specifically for flying) expired and I got my period.

We waffled.  Maybe this Just do it! thing isn’t such a great idea.  Maybe flying by the seat of your pants only works for people who put important dates on a calendar.  May we should get organized before we travel.  Maybe we should wait to see if the dog dies first.  Maybe we should wait until I’m less bloated.  Maybe we should wait until life is fucking PERFECT!

We were defeated, ready to call the trip off.  I sat at the kitchen table and cried.

“How do other people do this when there’s always a shit storm raging somewhere?” I asked Joe.

“I don’t know.  They just do it… no matter what.”

“So why can’t we?”

“We can.”

And we did.  We left town with dirty dishes in the sink and loose ends wreathing at our feet.  We gave everyone else’s agenda the finger and gave ours priority.  And guess what?

We had a great time!

It was Joe’s first time in San Francisco so we did the tourist thing.  We took a bus tour of the city and ate dinner at the Wharf.  We watched sea lions on Pier 39, walked through Golden Gate Park and took a terrifyingly beautiful drive down Highway 1.  Of the 3 beloved friends we hoped to see there, we met up with none, but that’s okay.  We’ll be back soon.  Because we’re people who travel now.

Next Stop:  Portlandia!!!

Even though Joe’s car BROKE DOWN the day after we got back from San Francisco… No matter what, right?  RIGHT?!?  *whimper*

Death Spiral of Doom

Posted on by Zezelia
5

Like most women who grew up watching Oprah, I have unrealistic expectations for myself.  This is particuarly true when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions.  This year my resolutions are to lose 35 pounds, cook more meals at home using whole foods and create a more consistent writing schedule.  After assessing my goals as manageable, I made a plan.  And by plan, I mean “should” on myself.

I made a list of everything I should be doing every single day to achieve my goals for the year.  Below is the detailed list I created including time allotments for each task.

  • Get up at 6am (0 mins)
  • Dress for workout (2 mins)
  • Go for run/walk or lift weights (60-90 mins)
  • Walk dog around block (10 mins)
  • Shower (15 mins)
  • Get dressed for the day (5 mins)
  • Apply moisturizer/sunscreen (1 min)
  • Style hair (15 mins)
  • Apply make-up (5 mins)
  • Brush teeth (1 mins)
  • Floss teeth (.25 mins)
  • Make & eat breakfast (30 mins)
  • Write (120-240 mins)
  • Feed dog (2 mins)
  • Brush dog teeth (2 mins)
  • Feed cat (.5 mins)
  • Make bed (5 mins)
  • Take meds & supplements (2 mins)
  • Make & eat lunch (30 mins)
  • Work (360 mins)
  • Take dog to park (30 mins)
  • Make & eat dinner (60 mins)
  • Brush dog (5 mins)
  • Brush cat (5 mins)
  • Dust mop floor (10 mins)
  • Clean Roomba and turn on (5 mins)
  • Clean catbox (1 min)
  • Load laundry (5 mins)
  • Fold laundry (15 mins)
  • Put clothes away (10 mins)
  • Do dishes (10 mins)
  • Sanitize counter tops (5 mins)
  • Hobby time: sing/guitar/piano/sew/ draw/etc (30 mins)
  • Wash face & apply moisturizer (1 min)
  • Dress for bed (2 mins)
  • Read literature (30-60 mins)
  • Limit calorie intake to  1500 maximum (0 mins)
  • Go to bed by 10:30pm (0 mins)

Total time approximately 17 hours.

Wow.  Whose super productive, tidy life have a stolen and postured as my own?!?! Because this is not my life by any semblance of reality.

When I start my Resolution Shoulding Planning, my resolutions multiple exponentially and I enter into what I call the Death Spiral of Doom.  I start to hyperventilate.

In order to achieve my goals, I need to revamp my entire lifestyle.  Now. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. I need to be perfect.  I need to be the most responsible adult that ever existed.  I must plan every minute of every day or everything will spiral out of control and I will end up an obese woman who numbs the pain of her banal existence with cheetos, ice cream and reality television, which of course leads to working the drive thru at a McDonald’s in Louisiana and having bad skin.  REALLY BAD SKIN.

This list doesn’t even include the things I should be doing weekly to maintain my fitter, happier, more productive life style like grocery shopping, Brazilian waxes, vacuuming and mopping the floors.  Then there’s the monthly things like budgeting, paying bills, giving the animals their heart worm pills and massages.  WHY IS BEING HEALTHY SO HARD?!?! And I only work part-time right now.  What will happen when I work full-time again? What about my social life?  What about writer’s group?

During the “planning” process Resolutions 1-3 morphed into many.  Make bed?  I almost never do that so that’s #4.  A load of laundry a day?  I don’t do that. What does that have to do with weight loss, cooking, or writing? Sure I’d love to be a person who does laundry everyday so it doesn’t pile up, but seriously no. That’s unexpected Resulotion #5. Get up by 6am? Resolution #6. Bed by 10:30pm #7. Floss everyday #8. Make-up and moisturizer #9 and 10. Wear clothes to bed instead of just my underwear? Who is this person? #11.

Am I expecting too much of myself or have I seriously misjudged the time allotments for each task?  I’m not sure.  I don’t know what other people do with their lives.  I imagine super productive people (like my mother-in-law) are capable of doing all these things and more each day.  I’ve had those days, but they’re few and far between.  Most days I spend at least 1 or 2 hours surfing the web and learning useless facts on Wikipedia.  My new lifestyle would never allow this.  Okay. Maybe on the weekends. For 5 minutes or less.

So I’m going to conduct an experiment.  I’m going to complete everything listed above for 1 day.  I’m going to time each task and report back to you.  Are my expectations too high?  Or am I making the simplest task into mountains with miscalculated time?

We’ll see…